


Long Talks and First Words

by Topographical_Map_Of_Utah



Series: Along Came Baby [7]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Baby Shara, Cough-Baby Shara-Cough, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Finn is Having a Bad Day, M/M, Pretty Angsty I Guess, Racism is a Problem, Stormpilot, Support and Communication is my Kink, Talking Seems to be a Theme In This Episode, Trans!Poe Dameron, domestic AU, they have a baby!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 06:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7966027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah/pseuds/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I think we've learnt by now that communication is important in any relationship. Looking at you, Finn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Long Talks and First Words

 "So what d'you think, Shara? I'd like a second opinion."

 Shara blinked at her Dad and tilted her head, nearly toppling over. Apparently she was still working on the whole balance thing. Finn smiled a bit and pushed her back upright, brushing a bit of carpet fluff out of her hair. He was lying on the nursery floor with a book and talking about this and that while Shara played with an AT-AT plushy that Rey had found for her. They had barely moved for about an hour, and from the looks of it Finn didn't intend to move until he worked out his dilemma. Not that Shara was complaining. Well, she couldn't, being only six months old.

This happened every once in awhile, mostly because Finn didn't like baby-talk and had read somewhere that talking to babies before they could speak made them smarter, sort of like plants. Probably shouldn't be comparing his daughter to a ficus, but it was a pretty apt comparison. As an aside he also probably shouldn't be unloading all of his woes onto a six month old. That gave a new definition to the term child psychologist.

"Here's the thing. I want to talk to your Papá about something, but I'm not sure if I should." Finn explained. Shara had no answers for him, so he sighed and looked out the window, the grey sky and the raindrops streaking the glass. Why was it raining in May?

"It'll just stress him out, won't it?" Finn said absently. "And he's already got enough on his plate." Shara rolled onto her back and Finn did too, blinking up at the ceiling with tired eyes. God, he was exhausted. He loved his job, honest, but twenty-four hour shifts were a pain in the ass. At least he got the forty-eight hours afterwards to recover. Shara burbled and Finn tilted his head back to smile at her. "Maybe I should tell him, though. I love talking to you, don't get me wrong, but I need someone a little more responsive, y'know? Someone a bit more helpful."

 "Da." Shara agreed. Finn nodded and closed his eyes, letting out a long sigh. He heard footsteps hammering up the stairs and the clatter of keys in the lock. Poe must be back. Finn grinned, but then the front door creaked open and he was inexplicably confronted with a strong whiff of gasoline.

"Finn? You up?" Poe called from the front room.

"Yeah." Finn wrinkled his nose and covered Shara's mouth with his hand. "Why do you smell like a monster truck rally?"

 "Shit, is it that bad? Sorry. Gimme a minute to shower. And crack open the window in Shara's room, would you? Don't want her breathing this in. There was a mishap with some engine oil. I _told_ Ben to tighten that valve..."

 "Good luck with that." Finn looked down and snorted. Shara had started to suck on his thumb, looking up at him with a happy grin. He shook her off and rolled to his feet, sticking a pacifier into her mouth when she started to fuss. "Really? C'mon, Shara, my hand's not a lollipop..."

 Once the window was open Finn leant on the sill and took a deep breath, trying to ignore the city noise and exhaust that he was letting in. Well, it may not be fresh air, but it helped clear his head at least a little bit. He honest to God couldn't stop thinking about this. But before he could start seriously mulling over it he heard a squeak behind him and turned, laughing when he saw what Shara was up to. She had brought her knees to her chest and was reaching up towards the toy plane Finn had left sitting on the edge of the rocking chair, making little whimpering noises. Finn watched her flop onto her tummy and crawl towards the chair, giving up after a good three feet. 

"Need some help?" Laughing, Finn scooped her up and held her out towards the chair, dipping her back and forth only a little bit precariously. Poe hated it when Finn did that, but Shara loved the thrill of it. You'd think Poe would know by now that he'd passed on his reckless genes. Shara giggled and kicked, reaching towards the plane and shrieking in delight when she grabbed it. Then she immediately crammed the wing into her mouth. Oh well, at least it was clean. Finn rolled his eyes and settled down on the chair with her. He heard the shower turn on in the other room and cringed, reminded of the thing he probably should talk to Poe about but really didn't want to.

Then Shara squealed in his arms and Finn got an idea. Maybe he'd feel better about the whole business if the onus wasn't all on him. He ruffled her hair and she looked up at him, eyebrows raised. "Alright, decision time, Shara. Should I tell your Papá about the thing or not? It's a yes or no question. If you say yes I promise I'll tell him, and if you say no I'll never bring it up again and let it sit in my pile of unresolved issues that I probably should talk to someone about but don't want to."

That was a pretty big pile, now that Finn thought about it. Unfortunately for him Shara smiled and nodded, still slobbering on her airplane. That thing was getting to be covered in baby bite marks, Finn noticed. Maybe he should run out right now and buy her a new toy to chew, or maybe some teething biscuits, or maybe...

Or maybe he shouldn't run away from his problems for once. That was a thought.

"Yeah, you're right, I should tell him." Finn agreed, even though his stomach was twisting up into knots as he kissed her on the cheek and eased the plane out of her grabby little hands. "We'll play later, alright? You gotta take a nap now, baby-girl." He set her down in the crib and switched on the mobile, watching Shara's eyes flutter as they followed the stars and spaceships circling above her head. Once she was asleep he leant against the wall and scowled at the ground. Why had he promised her that?

The pipes were rattling in the wall and Finn nibbled nervously at his thumbnail, wondering why he put so much importance on the opinion of an infant. But this thing really was bothering him, so maybe she was right. "Yeah, I really should tell him..." he said again, already regretting his choices. Oh well. A promise is a promise, even when one of the parties hasn't got a clue what's going on.

 

\------------

 

After about fifteen minutes spent going back and forth in the doorway Finn crept into the living room to find Poe sitting on the couch, scrubbing the life out of his motorcycle helmet, which still stank, side note. At least he had opened the windows and let out the worst of the gasoline. When Finn walked in Poe set aside his cloth and gave Finn a sheepish smile, running his fingers though his damp curls. "Hey, sweetheart. Sorry about that..."

"I'm just glad you didn't catch fire on the way here." Finn nudged Poe's legs apart and flopped down between them, squishing his cheek against the comfy ridge of Poe's stomach. He had always been soft around the middle, but that just meant he was good for hugging or nuzzling against when it was cold out. Maybe that by itself could make Finn feel better. But after a few minutes of his mood not improving Finn propped his chin up on Poe's tummy and peered up at him with a little sigh, which Poe was quick to notice, as usual. 

"You okay?"

"Well..." Finn screwed up his face, knowing that this was his last chance to back out. Then he saw the way Poe was looking at him and gave in. "Got some bad news. Y'know Aiden?" 

"What about him?" Finn had lived with Aiden's family upstate for about a year or so when he was about twelve. A handful of years older than Finn, Aiden had taught him how to ride a bike and had given him his first model plane. They even looked similar enough that people thought they were actually brothers. Finn had kept in touch ever since. "What, he can't make it this summer? Man, that sucks. I lent him one of your WWII books." When Finn didn't react the way Poe had expected, that is he didn't punch his arm and complain about disrespecting personal property, Poe gave him a squeeze and softened his voice. "That's not it?"

"No, he..." Finn's lip started to tremble without his permission and he burrowed deeper into Poe's arms, muffling his voice in Poe's shirt as though he didn't want to hear himself say the words. "He's dead. The cops shot him." 

"What?" Poe blinked, completely taken aback. Wait, Aiden was dead? That couldn't be right. Finn must be playing a trick on him. But then again, he knew Finn well enough to know that when it came to life or death, Finn wouldn't dare make a joke. When his voice came back Poe shook his head and kissed Finn on the top of the head, letting him nuzzle in even closer so he was basically lying on top of Poe's stomach. "That's awful. I'm so sorry, Finn. What's the excuse this time?"

"Resisting arrest, apparently." Finn mumbled. Now that he'd started talking, he found it hard to stop. "Face-down on the ground, hands out in front of him, and they said he was resisting arrest. Poe, you should've seen what they wrote about him. The bullshit they said in their article. He was arrested once, ten years ago, and it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. But of course they milked that charge for all it was worth. And it just got me thinking..."

"What?" 

"Okay, it's the paranoia talking, but if I were to get shot, hypothetically, what bad selfie are they gonna dig up for the one article they write about me? You know they're not gonna use anything where I'm in uniform." Finn took a breath and squeezed his eyes shut, defeat clear on his crinkled up face. "How're they gonna make it my fault?"

"Sweetheart..." Poe ran his fingers through Finn's hair, trying to soothe him as best he could even as his own hands started to tremble. That was a thought. If, God forbid, something happened to Finn, what did they have to use against him? He'd worked his way through college, rarely drank, never smoked, and spent his days saving people from burning buildings. Hell, as far as Poe knew the guy had never even gotten a parking ticket. But would any of that matter? Nope. Not in the slightest.

"His son was there, y'know." Finn mumbled. "Thirteen years old. They tried to arrest him, too. Broke his arm. Said they were dealing drugs. Makes me wonder. What if they see me with Shara when she's older and think I..." Finn trailed off and Poe pulled him close. He didn't have anything to say yet. Besides, Finn hadn't gotten it all out. "I just want to protect her. I just want to keep her safe."

"I know, Finn."

"But I can't do that if everything I do is the wrong thing. I don't get it. I run, I die. I resist, I die. I follow their instructions, let them cuff me, let them beat me, let them do God knows what to me while our kid watches, and I still die. And then they go after her." Finn took a deep breath, hating the words that were coming out of his mouth. 

"Poe, they'll call her a whore, say that she looked like a prostitute. Say that she was dealing drugs, say that our kid's a reprobate and had it coming. She's just a _kid_." Finn growled, hands curling into fists on Poe's chest. "Christ, it fucking infuriates me and I can't do anything about it. I can't..." Finn bit his lip, looking away from Poe so he wouldn't have to see his reaction. "I can't help but think you would've been better off without me." he said softly.

"C'mon, Finn. Don't say that." Poe pressed Finn to his chest, as though he'd be able to cocoon him, keep the world from getting to him, keep him out of the hands of the people who wanted him dead. "That's a fucking lie and you know it. I wouldn't be here if not for you. Shara wouldn't fucking _exist_  if not for you."

"That just makes an even bigger problem. The more people that care about me, the more people who are going to get hurt if something goes wrong." 

"But..." That sounded awful, but Poe really couldn't figure out how to argue. Christ, he just wanted to make Finn feel better. Was that too much to ask? "All you can do is try your best to stay safe, Finn. I know it doesn't sound like much, but that's what you need to do." 

"But it's not up to me, Poe. For fuck's sake d'you think I don't..." But before he could say another word Finn's face crumpled like paper and he buried his face in Poe's neck, gut-wrenching sobs forcing their way out of his throat, every ragged gasp feeling like a dagger in Poe's heart.

_Stay safe._ That's what Poe told him, every time Finn went out the door. On days when he was going to work it made sense why he said that, but even when Finn was visiting a friend across town, or going for a run late at night, Poe felt like he had to remind him that he had to watch his back. 

But what Poe really wanted to say was: _Sweetheart, the world's a bitch and you're not wanted. There are monsters out there who hate you. Monsters who pretend that they're scared of you so that they don't have to take responsibility for what they've done._

_I don't know why. I will never, never understand how anyone could bring themselves to hate you or hurt you. But they do. And you've been working your whole life to show them that they're wrong. You figured out a long time ago that it's not enough to be as good as them. You have to be better than them, and you are._

_Then they hate you for that, too, because they think you've cheated and bullied and lied to get to where you are. And what I love about you is the fact that you don't let it get to you. You still believe that if you keep working and trying and fighting things are gonna get better._

_But the worst part is that at the end of the day, all that work won't mean shit when some sorry excuse for a cop has his finger on the trigger and is looking at you like you're something he just fished out of the sewer._

"Stay safe" couldn't quite convey all that, but it saved time.

But none of that would make Finn feel better, and besides, right now there was nothing to do but let him cry, angry tears like fire on Poe's neck. Nothing to do but whisper empty assurances in his ear, cover Finn in a suit of armour made of paper. 

"It'll be alright, Finn. We'll work it out, I promise you. We just have to stick together, got that? We just..." Then Poe shut up, chewing his lower lip. He was a liar. He knew he was a liar. But at the end of the day, what else could he be? The truth of the matter was too harsh, too blunt a blow to land on someone who had just lost the closest thing to a brother he'd ever had. 

"What's there to work out, Poe? It's  _people_. You can't reason with people. Once they've made up their minds about something there's no use trying to make them think differently. Once they've decided something's wrong..." Finn squeezed Poe tighter and sighed. "All I know is I can't keep any of us safe. I can't do what I'm supposed to do for you and Shara and I'm so sorry that I'm scared but I can't help it."

"Don't be sorry, Finn. The important thing is that you don't let your fear get the better of you, alright? I know that's unfair. I know it makes no fucking sense why things are the way they are." Poe lowered his voice, working through the words as he said them. "Listen, I want you to stay safe, of course I do, but at the end of the day, you can't let this control you. We can't let fear make our decisions for us."

Finn was quiet for awhile, focused breathing warm on Poe's neck. Then he sighed and grabbed Poe's hand, twining their fingers together. "Seems kinda strange," he said carefully. "Considering what I do for a living, that the thing that scares me the most are the guys who're technically on my side." He shook his head and snorted. "Talk about poetic irony..."

And he was already back to being sarcastic. This guy was tougher than Poe gave him credit for. "You'll be okay, Finn. You'll get through this." Poe promised. He kissed the top of Finn's head and smiled. "And when you need me to, I'll keep you safe."

"That a fact?" 

"You've done the same for me. Isn't that what couples are supposed to do?"

 "I guess it is." Finn mumbled. After a couple minutes of Poe's fingers in his hair Finn shifted and laughed a bit. "Alright, alright. I'm fine now. Breakdown over." Finn wiped his face and snorted. "Damn. If this were the old days we would've gone out for post-rant Taco Bell..."

"The old days? What are we, eighty?" Poe gave Finn a kiss, smiling a little bit against his mouth. "You want me to make you something? I think I have some french toast in the fridge..."

"I'm not gonna deprive you of your midnight breakfast foods." Finn teased gently, giving Poe's tummy a doting pat as he let Poe kiss his forehead. When Finn pulled away Poe gave him a soft, reassuring smile, a smile that maybe didn't fix everything, but sure did make the world seem a little bit brighter. "I love you." Finn found himself saying. It was really a reflex at this point, as natural to him as blinking.

"I love you too." Poe promised, going in for another kiss. Unfortunately Shara started to cry, interrupting them. Finn made to get up, but Poe shook his head and pushed him back onto the couch, digging in the side table drawer for a second before pressing something into Finn's hands. Finn blinked and looked down with a snort.

 "Really? D'you just have chocolate stashed around the house?"

"Don't judge me." Poe called over his shoulder as he walked over to the nursery. Finn rolled his eyes and took a bite out of the Kit-Kat. Then he caught sight of his reflection in the window and flinched. Jesus, talk about your ugly cry face. Better go get himself cleaned up before Poe decides to break off the engagement.

As Finn passed by the bedroom he saw Shara peering at him over Poe's shoulder, the brown eyes she'd inherited from her Papá hazy with sleep. Well, Finn thought that she had Poe's eyes. Poe insisted that they were Finn's. It had taken an hour long debate and a third opinion from Rey for the two of them to agree to disagree.

Finn leant against the doorway and tried for a smile when Shara managed to focus on him. "Hi, baby-girl." he said hoarsely. She pulled her fist out of her mouth and gave him a two-toothed grin. Okay, even he admitted that they had the same smile. Couldn't argue with Poe on that one. "You still hungry? She seems hungry." he added when Poe turned around.  

"Wanna see if she'll eat that berry purée stuff?" Poe grinned and bounced Shara in his arms. "What d'you say, kiddo? Let's test out those brand new chompers of yours."

"I got a bad feeling about this..." Finn sighed as he followed Poe out of the door.

"What're you talking about? It'll be great." He kissed Shara on the cheek and smiled. "You won't make a mess, right kiddo?" 

Come to think of it, that was probably too much to ask of an infant.

 

\-------------

 

"Actually, I think purple looks pretty good on our wall." Poe said thoughtfully. 

Finn snorted and wiped Shara's face for what felt like the hundredth time. It was a fruitless task, but he could try. And Shara hadn't even taken the worst of the damage. How the hell was he gonna get those stains out of the ceiling? "Poe, what're you doing?" 

"Let's have on more go. Third time's the charm, right?" Poe cracked open their fifth jar of purée and stuck a spoon in it, ignoring Finn's derisive sigh. He poked it into Shara's mouth and waited, watching as she chewed with only mild dribbling. He laughed and turned to Finn with a wide smile. "Hey, she didn't spit it out. Good job, kiddo." He kissed the top of Shara's head and she reached up and poked his stubbly cheek, leaving a purple streak. She shrieked with laughter and Poe sighed. "Should've seen that coming..." 

"That bib isn't doing much for us, is it?" Finn laughed, giving Shara's face a quick wipe. She grabbed his finger and giggled, a knowing smile on her face.

"Da-da!" she squealed. The two of them paused, looking first at each other and then at Shara, who was grinning as though she knew what she was doing to them. "Daa-daa." she repeated, making absolutely sure that they had heard her.

"Does she mean me or you?" Finn asked. Poe shrugged and scooped her out of the high chair. Logistically at six months babies were just babbling, testing out sounds without making any connection to what they meant. She was just as likely to say "Dada" while looking at a lamp. On one hand, Poe knew that, but on the other hand, seeing Finn smile like that was giving him a bad case of butterflies.

"I'll give you this one, sweetheart." he said generously, handing Shara off with a laugh. Finn kissed him on the cheek, grinning sheepishly when Shara reached up and pat his tear-streaked cheeks.

"Aw, really? Way to rub it in, baby-girl..." Finn sighed. He hated crying more than anything, which Poe had discovered when they'd watched "Up" a few months after they started dating. Finn still refused to watch the first fifteen minutes of Pixar movies.

"You're too hard on yourself. At least you don't try and eat your feelings." Poe pointed out. Finn shook his head and let out a deep laugh. He'd almost forgotten their misadventure with the tiger stripe ice cream.

"That was a fun night. But we kinda set ourselves up for this, huh? All things considered." Finn managed another laugh, and it was only a little bit rueful. "Y'know, I think we'd win at minority bingo."

"That a fact? Let's see. Well, there's the whole gay couple thing..."

"And the trans."

"If you drove you'd probably get pulled over every second day."

"Hey, you can't talk. If Trump ever deports you I get to keep Shara."

"Fair enough. Wait, that's four. A bingo's five, right?"

"Good point. Oh, I got it. How many pregnant guys have you seen on the bus, lately? I feel like that should count." 

"And there's bingo." Poe snorted and smirked at Finn. "Man, that's fucked up."

"Language..." Finn chided, but he didn't really have the heart to protest further. He pulled Shara closer and sighed, resting his chin on Poe's shoulder. "We'll figure this out, right?" 

"'Course, sweetheart. Besides, we sort of have to, don't we?" Poe kissed Shara on the top of her head, smiling into her dark curls. "Can't leave this one by herself. Talk about your ball and chain."

"Hey..." Finn complained on Shara's behalf.

"Sorry, that was mean. Don't worry, kiddo. You know we love you." Poe assured her. But when he looked down Shara's eyes were closed and her head had flopped against Finn's chest. "And she's asleep. Good talk."  

"First words must be tiring." Finn reasoned, kissing the crinkles around Poe's eyes. Then Poe ran the pad of his thumb over Finn's cheek and Finn sighed. "Christ, Poe. I'm fine..."

"Yeah, well, I'm a mother hen. Get used to it." Finn smirked and let Poe pull him to his chest, Shara a comfortable weight between them. "I'm surprised you haven't noticed yet."

"Not a bad quality to have, honestly." Finn smiled and closed his eyes with a sigh. "Not bad at all..." Shara squirmed a bit in his arms and Finn tightened his grip. Good thing he had sought her counsel in all this. He looked down at her and mouthed a _thank you_ , smiling when she nuzzled against his chest with a soft sigh. He knew he wasn't crazy for talking to an infant like she was an adult. Maybe he should trust her with his problems more often. Yeah, that would definitely end well.

**Author's Note:**

> idk why this is so sjw i'm tired and stressed and can't write fluffy things. hhrrrngh hopefully next update will be not depressing.
> 
> Side note: winning minority bingo is fun until you remember it's not


End file.
